april's small thoughts

seems meaningful to me

2011-03-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

but then again, everything does. i never read fiction anymore. business books and magazines. I noticed this and started to pick up a few books. first one, Revolutionary Road - main charachters name April Johnson. About - suburban angst and an unhappy marraige Ending - April kills herself second one Shadow Tag About - unhappy marriage, woman who keeps 2 journals, one in a locked safe deposit box, and one she writes for her husband to read, since he reads her journal Ending - She kills herself third one Elegance of the Hedgehog About a 13 year old girl and a concierge who are both really smart and hide their smartness Ending - dont know yet, but the 13 year old is plotting her suicide WTF. seriously. WTF

2010-01-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

Feeling blue.......................super bluesy. The tears have set up shop in the brims of my eyes, and the smallest act of kindness has them falling over my cheeks and off my chin. Im feeling the need to fly the coop. It happens every once in a while this thing. This beast of desire inside of me...that wants more than I have. It's not very humble, this stuff. And it takes me over. I've been doing a cleanse and not drinking - and thats when the feelings get just.too.big. So I go back to the bottle. There are those effing tears again.

So I just wanted to say, for the record, that feeling that I am enough, and that my feelings matter, and that I count, and that I am allowed to have wants and needs, is painful. It exposes what I don't get because I have not allowed myself to ask for it, or feel I deserve it. And it sucks, because here I am...in the place I have created, and now I get to feel dissatisfied. Which is something that I am not very accepting of for the most part. So there it is. I want. I desire. I need. And I deserve.

The Best Version of Me

2009-07-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Richie is amazing...I hired her to take a picture of me for the website, and look what she did. She is a miracle-worker!!! Anyway - i am just plugging along with how to stretch myself - how to push me to be a better leader - how to get all my current sh*t done and still improve improve improve. My year is coming up, my introduction in the newsletter, and I just feel at a turning point - improve or die. Sounds extreme, I know...but its reality. I feel like that at home too, Like why cant i just get more done. And with Jake - i want to know him better...how can i not know everything? it makes me sad. wow - i just said it out loud. And being a wifey - i just never.feel.enough. and last - my weight/health - can i just take better care of myself from a loving place instead of from a berating awful self loathing place. Ah...the things I want to do, please god, let me be better in every way. Like my picture above - the best version of me...airbrushed and all.

Another work thing

2009-07-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I am writing this thing about me for work. Its a piece for our newsletter that introduces me and talks about my vision for the restaurant. It goes out to a data base of 18,000 people. Eighteen thousand people I said. oh Lord.

I have written newsletters in my past for over 500 folks, about money management, and also about a restaurant I ran in Dallas. But I have NEVER written about me. And now here I am. After years of journals and obscure writings on removed websites, I now am writing about me for folks I know...and I feel super lame. Such a fine line between making sure folks know that I am qualified and alternately showing modesty and humilty. What's a girl to do?

So....I'll put my rough draft here,,,and the three or four people who actually look at my blog can (gently) give me feedback? okay...here goes...

As the newest member of the leadership team at Georges at the Cove, I probably need to introduce myself to you, and let you know a bit about me. I was born and raised in Orange County and graduated from Cal State Long Beach. My professional background is a resume full of working for chef-owned restaurants in Orange County, Los Angeles, and Dallas as everything from Maitre d’ to General Manager. I went into the boutique hotel business in 2003 and experienced running a restaurant, a bar, a few banquets, room service and pool service simultaneously…that was fun (really). I eventually became a hotel manager. Quickly I realized that I missed the food, as running the food and beverage department became only one small element of what I did every day. I left to run a small restaurant/bar for a just and after a few months a recruiter called to tell me about this fantastic opportunity at one of the best restaurants in America. I stopped him to let him know that I was very happy and not interested in anything he had to say…then he told me it was Georges at the Cove. I agreed to listen. I drove down to San Diego on my next day off, and ate at California Modern. The design was so pristinely beautiful, the citrus cured yellowtail with the soy gelee to die for, the Meyer lemon ravioli was top five most delicious things I’ve ever put in my mouth, and the thoughtful wine list impressed me.

I told the recruiter I definitely wanted to meet these people. After hours of three long, grueling interviews (including a ream of tests including personality, math, and ethics) George and Trey offered me the job.

I often say that I was built for this. When I was eight years old, I spent my allowance on pens and order pads, and then would make my little sister play restaurant with me. I would set the table, take her order, hang the order up in the kitchen, cook it, serve it, then do the dishes, and beg her to let me do it again.

I know that every job I’ve ever had in my life was to prepare me to work here at Georges. The opportunity to work with such a brilliant chef/owner as Trey and a such a dynamic restauranteuer as George is breathtaking. I feel lucky to be the one they chose to help run their amazing business that they have built over the last 25 years. The comradarie of the staff and management team impresses me and brings me joy, every day. Now I know that this willI sound like a lunatic – who would want to deal with up to 1,100 guests every day who all want a window table, all expect to be blown away by the food and service, and all deserve an exceptional dining experience (and the 200 staff members it takes to make this happen)? It’s me. It makes me excited just thinking about running the shift tonight!

My management style is fair and professional, and I like to have fun. I learned the importance of building relationships so that people actually WANT to work for me from the Director of Operations from Chamberlains in Dallas. I hold a firm belief in proper service carried out in a non-stuffy, relaxed manner that makes people feel warm and welcomed from Liza Goodell, chef/owner of Domaine Restaurant group in Orange County. I embraced the belief in challenging myself to “how will I be a better leader today?” from the Janne Clare, Vice President of Kor Hotel Group in Los Angeles. And I strive to equally inspire people and hold my team accountable which I learned from Vincent Piro, a former Hotel GM. I also have four tenants that I drive my team with 1. Relentless commitment to service 2. Remain flexible 3. Be Accountable/ Display Integrity 4. Exude Leadership. These help guide decision making and prioritizing daily tasks.

It seems a daunting task to attempt to improve anything at Georges, as our comment cards overwhelmingly gush about service, food, and the view (people, product and environment). Nevertheless, it is my quest. I want you to think of Georges as your place, where you feel comfortable and at home. I’d like to inspire you to discover something new – like an albarino instead of a sauvignon blanc – and fall in love with it. I’d love you to know our servers by name, and feel so taken care of that you ask for them when you come back. I also hope that we don’t stop at impressing you with our food, service and view, but also by the feeling you get when you think of dining with us.

I am so lucky that I absolutely love what I do. Caring for people, serving someone for the first time; introducing people to new ingredients or an interesting wine; mentoring people; developing managers into becoming better leaders…this is the best job on earth. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I get to conduct this business with a perfect view of the La Jolla Cove? Really – it doesn’t get better than this.

So, please, introduce yourself to me next time you are here. I’d love to hear about your George’s stories. It will take me a while to meet all of you, and I look forward to it.

So that's it...Am I a complete geek or what?

a grass state of mind

2009-06-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

happy fathers day to my baby daddy. i've spent the last week on vacation with a few days of work in between. i spent time sitting in the grass, in my backyard and in my friends' backyard, playing with jake, hanging out, and lounging...i mean truly lounging. and i did it well. i was so into it, that i had no desire to go out - none. now i know for most people that is a normal thing - but for me - that is a never thing. maybe it has to do with my love of my job? maybe my age? maybe my desperate need of a rest? anyway, i am happy to say that i am now happy to take a break. okay, okay - i still had my blackbery in hand, and worked a few hours every day - but still, i feel a change - i am now in a place to enjoy the grass...and that feels big. :-)

Peace to the People

2009-06-12T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am a bit of a worrier by nature. I worry when people I know are going through their ordeals more than I should. If a co-worker seems edgy, I am concerned they are struggling with something large - and I lose sleep over it.

In the past three days I have received four phone calls of friends in the midst of either their mid life crisis, or their partners'. What is up? One who might be losing her pregnancy, others contemplating cheating, or being cheated on, a friend laid off who needs surgery, another who just got out of rehab and is now facing jail time - I mean really...these are some of the most talented, amazing people on Earth...what is going on here? My emotions are tumultuos with guilt, relief, and gratitude all twirling around inside me. Why do I get to lead such a great life? Why am I in such a terrific spot? These people deserve better than this - who am I to question the universe? So my little thoughts are sending prayers to the universe for these folks. My dearest friends who need a break. Maybe they need to give themselves a break - I don't know. But please, please, please - they need love, acceptance and support. Let them feel this in their lives. Deep breaths people.

all these food thoughts...eating away

2009-05-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

i have been waiting to post this until i had this great pic i took at the museum in san francisco. instead...we have clip art. anyway - i just have to post it. since this blog is about the noise that happens in my brain while i am trying to think - here goes.

for most people, eating is about being healthy, OR a craving, OR being torn between the two. my thought process goes something like this...

hmmmm, i need to eat lunch quickly as i have to be at work soon

-i could have a lean cuisine which is low in fat and calories. but it is a processed food with a lot of sodium, and not organic or natural.

-i could stop at starbucks and get a latte and a cheese/fruit plate which is natural food but 21 g of fat. and where is that fruit from? india? it took to much fuel to get that here, so i am hurting the environment. and it comes in a #6 to-go container which they do not recycle in san diego. so double the emissions. no. plus, what kind of milk in my latte? i hate soy milk, but i use it instead of dairy. it's 4 g of fat, whereas nonfat milk is zero. but is the milk organic? if not not, it's low in calories, but hurting the environment with ethanol, and it may have bad enzymes in it. The soy milk is a better choice, although higher in fat...i think. but where is it from? how much energy did it take to get here. and if it's not organic, than it contains pestisides. so its higher in fat and not organic...should i choose the other?

-or i could make myself some egg whites and veggies. which tastes like...egg whites and veggies. but if the egg whites are organic that's good. where are the veggies from? are they within 60 miles of my house? are they organic? if they are from trader joes they are probably not from a free trade farm, so the people working on the farm are nine year olds that make 17 cents a day. i can go to bristol farms where all their veggies are from certified free trade farms, and then everything costs three times as much. hmmm.

- maybe a 7 g fat sandwich from subway. where are those veggies from? and the meat - are there any nutrients in there? it is affordable and low fat...but the meat, how is it raised? ethically and fed correctly...free range too? if the cheese is cheese - its fattening, but if it is cheese food, it's super low-cal (like american slices) but not natural, or organic.

-and what about the butter/margarine/olive oil debate? margarine - low in calories and cholesteral, but not natural or organic. butter - natural, but high in fat. olive oil - good for you, but FATTENING.

-how bout i want something sparkly and fun to drink, so i can have 150 calories of a natural elderflower yummy, hard-to-find expensive organic beverage or a can of chemicals(diet coke) that's delicious, cheap and reminds me of childhood with ZERO calories. hmmm - how to choose?

How's that for a thought-process before grabbing something to eat? it's part of how i am made-up, how i am wired. i can't let the dialogue go. amazing i make it through any sort of weight loss plan. i dont think it gets easier.

Little Questions and Lizards

2009-04-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

What is real? The stuff that swirls around in my head passess barely for thoughts...really, though, what part of that is real? I am still drinking green tea and eating broccoli for breakfast over here. And the gym saga continues - I wake up, I exercise, I go on with my day. Is all this going to make it all better? Will the weird sadness that I carry around in me go away with the dropping of the lbs? And how am I even allowed to feel twinges of yuck, when I have such a good life? I am busy trying to "secret" my way into friendships and a single digit size in my wardrobe. Meanwhile sending postcards and staying connected via facebook. Whose life is this?

Jake is busy looking for lizards at the beach. I think he's onto something.

2009-04-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

this is so much better than a treadmill. and i am not talking about how sand is better than a flat surface. Just that you get to experience the god beautiful beach. this pic does not even do it justice. it's la jolla shores - gorgeous. anyway - this is not the gym...thank god. i am so lucky to live less then a five minute's drive from this place. thank you! i ran this in the morning, and ate like the vegan saint i aspire to for the rest of the day. grateful gal am i. thanks for the support, world. i need it.

borrowing some perspective from jake

2009-04-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

jake gave me this flower today. he thinks I am beautiful, and he wants to marry me. He also thinks the lady in the opening credits of the movies and the statue of liberty are me. i think i need to borrow his view for a few. the self loathing is really just too.much.to.take. it was raging today. thank goodness i can call richie when this gets out of control. i am only writing this boring post, because i am in true amazement of how poorly i talk to myself. i would NEVER even think about speaking to another individual the way i speak to myself. such disrespect, over-criticism, and just downright mean. not okay. in typical april-fashion i went to the bookstore to buy a book to solve it..."optimal thinking". i'll let you know how that works out for me. anyway - i'll try to look at me from jake's point of view in the mean time.

Surreal Days

2009-04-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

I've been preparing for this presentation like a mad dog for over a month - with college-like vigor in the last few days. Showtime comes and goes, smooth as silk...everyone loves all the ideas, we get goals accomplished, and my bosses love it. Mind you, none of my regular work has been touched during this time. So I am cleaning up the room, wrapping up extension cords, clearing coffe cups, when one of my staff members comes in and he can't talk. He's tingly all over, and he can't anser any questions.
"Do you need water?"
"I don't know"
"Does your left side hurt?"
"I don't know."

So I call his fiance and an ambulance and spend the rest of the night in the ER while they run tests. EKG, CATSCAN, bloodwork, etc. At one point, I get up to get them something to eat, and his fiance grabs my arm, look up at me and says, "just stay here with us".

At 11.15 after 6 hours at the hospital and 9 hours at work, my husband calls and wants me home. They are in with the doctor who is running more tests and says it will be at least a few more hours. So I let them know I am going, but to call me if they need anything. And I leave feeling guilty. All I've eaten all day is a granola bar at 8am and a coffee at 2.30.

While I'm in the ER, besides the amazing people watching, I just keep thinking...why is it so important for me to be here? Why have I sat in so many hospital rooms with employees, while my loved ones are home without me. Why is this okay? not just okay, but the RIGHT thing to do? While I am thinking these thoughts, I see a small person (no idea of the gender) over in the corner spitting up blood into a trash can; a lot of blood. I go get a nurse who discovers the little soul hasn't checked in, and that person goes in immediately.

Surreal.

Gym Endorphins are Hype

2009-03-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

I mean really - i keep hearing about this - but i havent experienced it yet. and it's already so disappointing. what successful person gives a rats hiney about what people think about how she looks? oh...it's me. and the endorphins thing has just never happened for me. plus, the self loathing has always been an issue - but now we're at an all time low. anyway, i'm at the gym, on the machine. i am sweating, and going FAST, and hard, and i know that i-look-hot...literally hot, like my entire body is red, and sweat is dripping down my back, and there may be steam coming out of my ears. anyway, after watching CNN longer than any human being should, and making myself go way longer than i thought possible...i burned, yes, a big 200 calories. that doesn't even cover an organic whole food vegan food bar, right? not even 1/4 cup of peanuts. oh ya, those endorphins were freaking flying. right after my self esteem took another dive. it's amazing that i managed to eat like a vegan saint the rest of the day. except for the wine - of course. do endorphins only come after you're skinny? is that the secret? or is it just hype? more green tea please.

An attempt

2009-03-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

So this is my attempt at writing, sharing and getting what feels like weight off my chest and into the world. I spend a lot of time at work...honing my leadership skills, serving people, and mentoring folks into being better leaders. And then I get to my day off and I am wondering what to do with me...who am i outside of this job? The past 15 years of my life have been spent dedicating my life to work, and I have been so blessed and rewarded by it greatly. So here I am with my big fancy job in a city where I don't know anyone, trying to figure out my life outside of work...oh that. Just the normal stuff...how do be a better parent; who makes cool art here and where; how do i motivate myself to be better to me. So this is a start at that. Sounds like a super boring mid life crisis...but feels big. so here i go - wish me luck. :-)