Gym Endorphins are Hype

I mean really - i keep hearing about this - but i havent experienced it yet. and it's already so disappointing. what successful person gives a rats hiney about what people think about how she looks? oh...it's me. and the endorphins thing has just never happened for me. plus, the self loathing has always been an issue - but now we're at an all time low. anyway, i'm at the gym, on the machine. i am sweating, and going FAST, and hard, and i know that i-look-hot...literally hot, like my entire body is red, and sweat is dripping down my back, and there may be steam coming out of my ears. anyway, after watching CNN longer than any human being should, and making myself go way longer than i thought possible...i burned, yes, a big 200 calories. that doesn't even cover an organic whole food vegan food bar, right? not even 1/4 cup of peanuts. oh ya, those endorphins were freaking flying. right after my self esteem took another dive. it's amazing that i managed to eat like a vegan saint the rest of the day. except for the wine - of course. do endorphins only come after you're skinny? is that the secret? or is it just hype? more green tea please.

An attempt

So this is my attempt at writing, sharing and getting what feels like weight off my chest and into the world. I spend a lot of time at work...honing my leadership skills, serving people, and mentoring folks into being better leaders. And then I get to my day off and I am wondering what to do with me...who am i outside of this job? The past 15 years of my life have been spent dedicating my life to work, and I have been so blessed and rewarded by it greatly. So here I am with my big fancy job in a city where I don't know anyone, trying to figure out my life outside of work...oh that. Just the normal stuff...how do be a better parent; who makes cool art here and where; how do i motivate myself to be better to me. So this is a start at that. Sounds like a super boring mid life crisis...but feels big. so here i go - wish me luck. :-)