Little Questions and Lizards

What is real? The stuff that swirls around in my head passess barely for thoughts...really, though, what part of that is real? I am still drinking green tea and eating broccoli for breakfast over here. And the gym saga continues - I wake up, I exercise, I go on with my day. Is all this going to make it all better? Will the weird sadness that I carry around in me go away with the dropping of the lbs? And how am I even allowed to feel twinges of yuck, when I have such a good life? I am busy trying to "secret" my way into friendships and a single digit size in my wardrobe. Meanwhile sending postcards and staying connected via facebook. Whose life is this?

Jake is busy looking for lizards at the beach. I think he's onto something.

this is so much better than a treadmill. and i am not talking about how sand is better than a flat surface. Just that you get to experience the god beautiful beach. this pic does not even do it justice. it's la jolla shores - gorgeous. anyway - this is not the gym...thank god. i am so lucky to live less then a five minute's drive from this place. thank you! i ran this in the morning, and ate like the vegan saint i aspire to for the rest of the day. grateful gal am i. thanks for the support, world. i need it.

borrowing some perspective from jake

jake gave me this flower today. he thinks I am beautiful, and he wants to marry me. He also thinks the lady in the opening credits of the movies and the statue of liberty are me. i think i need to borrow his view for a few. the self loathing is really just too.much.to.take. it was raging today. thank goodness i can call richie when this gets out of control. i am only writing this boring post, because i am in true amazement of how poorly i talk to myself. i would NEVER even think about speaking to another individual the way i speak to myself. such disrespect, over-criticism, and just downright mean. not okay. in typical april-fashion i went to the bookstore to buy a book to solve it..."optimal thinking". i'll let you know how that works out for me. anyway - i'll try to look at me from jake's point of view in the mean time.

Surreal Days

I've been preparing for this presentation like a mad dog for over a month - with college-like vigor in the last few days. Showtime comes and goes, smooth as silk...everyone loves all the ideas, we get goals accomplished, and my bosses love it. Mind you, none of my regular work has been touched during this time. So I am cleaning up the room, wrapping up extension cords, clearing coffe cups, when one of my staff members comes in and he can't talk. He's tingly all over, and he can't anser any questions.
"Do you need water?"
"I don't know"
"Does your left side hurt?"
"I don't know."

So I call his fiance and an ambulance and spend the rest of the night in the ER while they run tests. EKG, CATSCAN, bloodwork, etc. At one point, I get up to get them something to eat, and his fiance grabs my arm, look up at me and says, "just stay here with us".

At 11.15 after 6 hours at the hospital and 9 hours at work, my husband calls and wants me home. They are in with the doctor who is running more tests and says it will be at least a few more hours. So I let them know I am going, but to call me if they need anything. And I leave feeling guilty. All I've eaten all day is a granola bar at 8am and a coffee at 2.30.

While I'm in the ER, besides the amazing people watching, I just keep thinking...why is it so important for me to be here? Why have I sat in so many hospital rooms with employees, while my loved ones are home without me. Why is this okay? not just okay, but the RIGHT thing to do? While I am thinking these thoughts, I see a small person (no idea of the gender) over in the corner spitting up blood into a trash can; a lot of blood. I go get a nurse who discovers the little soul hasn't checked in, and that person goes in immediately.

Surreal.