seems meaningful to me

but then again, everything does. i never read fiction anymore. business books and magazines. I noticed this and started to pick up a few books. first one, Revolutionary Road - main charachters name April Johnson. About - suburban angst and an unhappy marraige Ending - April kills herself second one Shadow Tag About - unhappy marriage, woman who keeps 2 journals, one in a locked safe deposit box, and one she writes for her husband to read, since he reads her journal Ending - She kills herself third one Elegance of the Hedgehog About a 13 year old girl and a concierge who are both really smart and hide their smartness Ending - dont know yet, but the 13 year old is plotting her suicide WTF. seriously. WTF

Feeling blue.......................super bluesy. The tears have set up shop in the brims of my eyes, and the smallest act of kindness has them falling over my cheeks and off my chin. Im feeling the need to fly the coop. It happens every once in a while this thing. This beast of desire inside of me...that wants more than I have. It's not very humble, this stuff. And it takes me over. I've been doing a cleanse and not drinking - and thats when the feelings get just.too.big. So I go back to the bottle. There are those effing tears again.

So I just wanted to say, for the record, that feeling that I am enough, and that my feelings matter, and that I count, and that I am allowed to have wants and needs, is painful. It exposes what I don't get because I have not allowed myself to ask for it, or feel I deserve it. And it sucks, because here I am...in the place I have created, and now I get to feel dissatisfied. Which is something that I am not very accepting of for the most part. So there it is. I want. I desire. I need. And I deserve.

The Best Version of Me

Richie is amazing...I hired her to take a picture of me for the website, and look what she did. She is a miracle-worker!!! Anyway - i am just plugging along with how to stretch myself - how to push me to be a better leader - how to get all my current sh*t done and still improve improve improve. My year is coming up, my introduction in the newsletter, and I just feel at a turning point - improve or die. Sounds extreme, I know...but its reality. I feel like that at home too, Like why cant i just get more done. And with Jake - i want to know him better...how can i not know everything? it makes me sad. wow - i just said it out loud. And being a wifey - i just never.feel.enough. and last - my weight/health - can i just take better care of myself from a loving place instead of from a berating awful self loathing place. Ah...the things I want to do, please god, let me be better in every way. Like my picture above - the best version of me...airbrushed and all.

Another work thing

So I am writing this thing about me for work. Its a piece for our newsletter that introduces me and talks about my vision for the restaurant. It goes out to a data base of 18,000 people. Eighteen thousand people I said. oh Lord.

I have written newsletters in my past for over 500 folks, about money management, and also about a restaurant I ran in Dallas. But I have NEVER written about me. And now here I am. After years of journals and obscure writings on removed websites, I now am writing about me for folks I know...and I feel super lame. Such a fine line between making sure folks know that I am qualified and alternately showing modesty and humilty. What's a girl to do?

So....I'll put my rough draft here,,,and the three or four people who actually look at my blog can (gently) give me feedback? okay...here goes...

As the newest member of the leadership team at Georges at the Cove, I probably need to introduce myself to you, and let you know a bit about me. I was born and raised in Orange County and graduated from Cal State Long Beach. My professional background is a resume full of working for chef-owned restaurants in Orange County, Los Angeles, and Dallas as everything from Maitre d’ to General Manager. I went into the boutique hotel business in 2003 and experienced running a restaurant, a bar, a few banquets, room service and pool service simultaneously…that was fun (really). I eventually became a hotel manager. Quickly I realized that I missed the food, as running the food and beverage department became only one small element of what I did every day. I left to run a small restaurant/bar for a just and after a few months a recruiter called to tell me about this fantastic opportunity at one of the best restaurants in America. I stopped him to let him know that I was very happy and not interested in anything he had to say…then he told me it was Georges at the Cove. I agreed to listen. I drove down to San Diego on my next day off, and ate at California Modern. The design was so pristinely beautiful, the citrus cured yellowtail with the soy gelee to die for, the Meyer lemon ravioli was top five most delicious things I’ve ever put in my mouth, and the thoughtful wine list impressed me.

I told the recruiter I definitely wanted to meet these people. After hours of three long, grueling interviews (including a ream of tests including personality, math, and ethics) George and Trey offered me the job.

I often say that I was built for this. When I was eight years old, I spent my allowance on pens and order pads, and then would make my little sister play restaurant with me. I would set the table, take her order, hang the order up in the kitchen, cook it, serve it, then do the dishes, and beg her to let me do it again.

I know that every job I’ve ever had in my life was to prepare me to work here at Georges. The opportunity to work with such a brilliant chef/owner as Trey and a such a dynamic restauranteuer as George is breathtaking. I feel lucky to be the one they chose to help run their amazing business that they have built over the last 25 years. The comradarie of the staff and management team impresses me and brings me joy, every day. Now I know that this willI sound like a lunatic – who would want to deal with up to 1,100 guests every day who all want a window table, all expect to be blown away by the food and service, and all deserve an exceptional dining experience (and the 200 staff members it takes to make this happen)? It’s me. It makes me excited just thinking about running the shift tonight!

My management style is fair and professional, and I like to have fun. I learned the importance of building relationships so that people actually WANT to work for me from the Director of Operations from Chamberlains in Dallas. I hold a firm belief in proper service carried out in a non-stuffy, relaxed manner that makes people feel warm and welcomed from Liza Goodell, chef/owner of Domaine Restaurant group in Orange County. I embraced the belief in challenging myself to “how will I be a better leader today?” from the Janne Clare, Vice President of Kor Hotel Group in Los Angeles. And I strive to equally inspire people and hold my team accountable which I learned from Vincent Piro, a former Hotel GM. I also have four tenants that I drive my team with 1. Relentless commitment to service 2. Remain flexible 3. Be Accountable/ Display Integrity 4. Exude Leadership. These help guide decision making and prioritizing daily tasks.

It seems a daunting task to attempt to improve anything at Georges, as our comment cards overwhelmingly gush about service, food, and the view (people, product and environment). Nevertheless, it is my quest. I want you to think of Georges as your place, where you feel comfortable and at home. I’d like to inspire you to discover something new – like an albarino instead of a sauvignon blanc – and fall in love with it. I’d love you to know our servers by name, and feel so taken care of that you ask for them when you come back. I also hope that we don’t stop at impressing you with our food, service and view, but also by the feeling you get when you think of dining with us.

I am so lucky that I absolutely love what I do. Caring for people, serving someone for the first time; introducing people to new ingredients or an interesting wine; mentoring people; developing managers into becoming better leaders…this is the best job on earth. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I get to conduct this business with a perfect view of the La Jolla Cove? Really – it doesn’t get better than this.

So, please, introduce yourself to me next time you are here. I’d love to hear about your George’s stories. It will take me a while to meet all of you, and I look forward to it.

So that's it...Am I a complete geek or what?

a grass state of mind

happy fathers day to my baby daddy. i've spent the last week on vacation with a few days of work in between. i spent time sitting in the grass, in my backyard and in my friends' backyard, playing with jake, hanging out, and lounging...i mean truly lounging. and i did it well. i was so into it, that i had no desire to go out - none. now i know for most people that is a normal thing - but for me - that is a never thing. maybe it has to do with my love of my job? maybe my age? maybe my desperate need of a rest? anyway, i am happy to say that i am now happy to take a break. okay, okay - i still had my blackbery in hand, and worked a few hours every day - but still, i feel a change - i am now in a place to enjoy the grass...and that feels big. :-)

Peace to the People

I am a bit of a worrier by nature. I worry when people I know are going through their ordeals more than I should. If a co-worker seems edgy, I am concerned they are struggling with something large - and I lose sleep over it.

In the past three days I have received four phone calls of friends in the midst of either their mid life crisis, or their partners'. What is up? One who might be losing her pregnancy, others contemplating cheating, or being cheated on, a friend laid off who needs surgery, another who just got out of rehab and is now facing jail time - I mean really...these are some of the most talented, amazing people on Earth...what is going on here? My emotions are tumultuos with guilt, relief, and gratitude all twirling around inside me. Why do I get to lead such a great life? Why am I in such a terrific spot? These people deserve better than this - who am I to question the universe? So my little thoughts are sending prayers to the universe for these folks. My dearest friends who need a break. Maybe they need to give themselves a break - I don't know. But please, please, please - they need love, acceptance and support. Let them feel this in their lives. Deep breaths people.

all these food thoughts...eating away

i have been waiting to post this until i had this great pic i took at the museum in san francisco. instead...we have clip art. anyway - i just have to post it. since this blog is about the noise that happens in my brain while i am trying to think - here goes.

for most people, eating is about being healthy, OR a craving, OR being torn between the two. my thought process goes something like this...

hmmmm, i need to eat lunch quickly as i have to be at work soon

-i could have a lean cuisine which is low in fat and calories. but it is a processed food with a lot of sodium, and not organic or natural.

-i could stop at starbucks and get a latte and a cheese/fruit plate which is natural food but 21 g of fat. and where is that fruit from? india? it took to much fuel to get that here, so i am hurting the environment. and it comes in a #6 to-go container which they do not recycle in san diego. so double the emissions. no. plus, what kind of milk in my latte? i hate soy milk, but i use it instead of dairy. it's 4 g of fat, whereas nonfat milk is zero. but is the milk organic? if not not, it's low in calories, but hurting the environment with ethanol, and it may have bad enzymes in it. The soy milk is a better choice, although higher in fat...i think. but where is it from? how much energy did it take to get here. and if it's not organic, than it contains pestisides. so its higher in fat and not organic...should i choose the other?

-or i could make myself some egg whites and veggies. which tastes like...egg whites and veggies. but if the egg whites are organic that's good. where are the veggies from? are they within 60 miles of my house? are they organic? if they are from trader joes they are probably not from a free trade farm, so the people working on the farm are nine year olds that make 17 cents a day. i can go to bristol farms where all their veggies are from certified free trade farms, and then everything costs three times as much. hmmm.

- maybe a 7 g fat sandwich from subway. where are those veggies from? and the meat - are there any nutrients in there? it is affordable and low fat...but the meat, how is it raised? ethically and fed correctly...free range too? if the cheese is cheese - its fattening, but if it is cheese food, it's super low-cal (like american slices) but not natural, or organic.

-and what about the butter/margarine/olive oil debate? margarine - low in calories and cholesteral, but not natural or organic. butter - natural, but high in fat. olive oil - good for you, but FATTENING.

-how bout i want something sparkly and fun to drink, so i can have 150 calories of a natural elderflower yummy, hard-to-find expensive organic beverage or a can of chemicals(diet coke) that's delicious, cheap and reminds me of childhood with ZERO calories. hmmm - how to choose?

How's that for a thought-process before grabbing something to eat? it's part of how i am made-up, how i am wired. i can't let the dialogue go. amazing i make it through any sort of weight loss plan. i dont think it gets easier.