a grass state of mind

happy fathers day to my baby daddy. i've spent the last week on vacation with a few days of work in between. i spent time sitting in the grass, in my backyard and in my friends' backyard, playing with jake, hanging out, and lounging...i mean truly lounging. and i did it well. i was so into it, that i had no desire to go out - none. now i know for most people that is a normal thing - but for me - that is a never thing. maybe it has to do with my love of my job? maybe my age? maybe my desperate need of a rest? anyway, i am happy to say that i am now happy to take a break. okay, okay - i still had my blackbery in hand, and worked a few hours every day - but still, i feel a change - i am now in a place to enjoy the grass...and that feels big. :-)

Peace to the People

I am a bit of a worrier by nature. I worry when people I know are going through their ordeals more than I should. If a co-worker seems edgy, I am concerned they are struggling with something large - and I lose sleep over it.

In the past three days I have received four phone calls of friends in the midst of either their mid life crisis, or their partners'. What is up? One who might be losing her pregnancy, others contemplating cheating, or being cheated on, a friend laid off who needs surgery, another who just got out of rehab and is now facing jail time - I mean really...these are some of the most talented, amazing people on Earth...what is going on here? My emotions are tumultuos with guilt, relief, and gratitude all twirling around inside me. Why do I get to lead such a great life? Why am I in such a terrific spot? These people deserve better than this - who am I to question the universe? So my little thoughts are sending prayers to the universe for these folks. My dearest friends who need a break. Maybe they need to give themselves a break - I don't know. But please, please, please - they need love, acceptance and support. Let them feel this in their lives. Deep breaths people.

all these food thoughts...eating away

i have been waiting to post this until i had this great pic i took at the museum in san francisco. instead...we have clip art. anyway - i just have to post it. since this blog is about the noise that happens in my brain while i am trying to think - here goes.

for most people, eating is about being healthy, OR a craving, OR being torn between the two. my thought process goes something like this...

hmmmm, i need to eat lunch quickly as i have to be at work soon

-i could have a lean cuisine which is low in fat and calories. but it is a processed food with a lot of sodium, and not organic or natural.

-i could stop at starbucks and get a latte and a cheese/fruit plate which is natural food but 21 g of fat. and where is that fruit from? india? it took to much fuel to get that here, so i am hurting the environment. and it comes in a #6 to-go container which they do not recycle in san diego. so double the emissions. no. plus, what kind of milk in my latte? i hate soy milk, but i use it instead of dairy. it's 4 g of fat, whereas nonfat milk is zero. but is the milk organic? if not not, it's low in calories, but hurting the environment with ethanol, and it may have bad enzymes in it. The soy milk is a better choice, although higher in fat...i think. but where is it from? how much energy did it take to get here. and if it's not organic, than it contains pestisides. so its higher in fat and not organic...should i choose the other?

-or i could make myself some egg whites and veggies. which tastes like...egg whites and veggies. but if the egg whites are organic that's good. where are the veggies from? are they within 60 miles of my house? are they organic? if they are from trader joes they are probably not from a free trade farm, so the people working on the farm are nine year olds that make 17 cents a day. i can go to bristol farms where all their veggies are from certified free trade farms, and then everything costs three times as much. hmmm.

- maybe a 7 g fat sandwich from subway. where are those veggies from? and the meat - are there any nutrients in there? it is affordable and low fat...but the meat, how is it raised? ethically and fed correctly...free range too? if the cheese is cheese - its fattening, but if it is cheese food, it's super low-cal (like american slices) but not natural, or organic.

-and what about the butter/margarine/olive oil debate? margarine - low in calories and cholesteral, but not natural or organic. butter - natural, but high in fat. olive oil - good for you, but FATTENING.

-how bout i want something sparkly and fun to drink, so i can have 150 calories of a natural elderflower yummy, hard-to-find expensive organic beverage or a can of chemicals(diet coke) that's delicious, cheap and reminds me of childhood with ZERO calories. hmmm - how to choose?

How's that for a thought-process before grabbing something to eat? it's part of how i am made-up, how i am wired. i can't let the dialogue go. amazing i make it through any sort of weight loss plan. i dont think it gets easier.

Little Questions and Lizards

What is real? The stuff that swirls around in my head passess barely for thoughts...really, though, what part of that is real? I am still drinking green tea and eating broccoli for breakfast over here. And the gym saga continues - I wake up, I exercise, I go on with my day. Is all this going to make it all better? Will the weird sadness that I carry around in me go away with the dropping of the lbs? And how am I even allowed to feel twinges of yuck, when I have such a good life? I am busy trying to "secret" my way into friendships and a single digit size in my wardrobe. Meanwhile sending postcards and staying connected via facebook. Whose life is this?

Jake is busy looking for lizards at the beach. I think he's onto something.

this is so much better than a treadmill. and i am not talking about how sand is better than a flat surface. Just that you get to experience the god beautiful beach. this pic does not even do it justice. it's la jolla shores - gorgeous. anyway - this is not the gym...thank god. i am so lucky to live less then a five minute's drive from this place. thank you! i ran this in the morning, and ate like the vegan saint i aspire to for the rest of the day. grateful gal am i. thanks for the support, world. i need it.

borrowing some perspective from jake

jake gave me this flower today. he thinks I am beautiful, and he wants to marry me. He also thinks the lady in the opening credits of the movies and the statue of liberty are me. i think i need to borrow his view for a few. the self loathing is really just too.much.to.take. it was raging today. thank goodness i can call richie when this gets out of control. i am only writing this boring post, because i am in true amazement of how poorly i talk to myself. i would NEVER even think about speaking to another individual the way i speak to myself. such disrespect, over-criticism, and just downright mean. not okay. in typical april-fashion i went to the bookstore to buy a book to solve it..."optimal thinking". i'll let you know how that works out for me. anyway - i'll try to look at me from jake's point of view in the mean time.

Surreal Days

I've been preparing for this presentation like a mad dog for over a month - with college-like vigor in the last few days. Showtime comes and goes, smooth as silk...everyone loves all the ideas, we get goals accomplished, and my bosses love it. Mind you, none of my regular work has been touched during this time. So I am cleaning up the room, wrapping up extension cords, clearing coffe cups, when one of my staff members comes in and he can't talk. He's tingly all over, and he can't anser any questions.
"Do you need water?"
"I don't know"
"Does your left side hurt?"
"I don't know."

So I call his fiance and an ambulance and spend the rest of the night in the ER while they run tests. EKG, CATSCAN, bloodwork, etc. At one point, I get up to get them something to eat, and his fiance grabs my arm, look up at me and says, "just stay here with us".

At 11.15 after 6 hours at the hospital and 9 hours at work, my husband calls and wants me home. They are in with the doctor who is running more tests and says it will be at least a few more hours. So I let them know I am going, but to call me if they need anything. And I leave feeling guilty. All I've eaten all day is a granola bar at 8am and a coffee at 2.30.

While I'm in the ER, besides the amazing people watching, I just keep thinking...why is it so important for me to be here? Why have I sat in so many hospital rooms with employees, while my loved ones are home without me. Why is this okay? not just okay, but the RIGHT thing to do? While I am thinking these thoughts, I see a small person (no idea of the gender) over in the corner spitting up blood into a trash can; a lot of blood. I go get a nurse who discovers the little soul hasn't checked in, and that person goes in immediately.

Surreal.